On Feeling Raw.

I'm in the thick of it right now.

This is generally a space I avoid like the plague when things are bad - to put down words while the wounds are fresh is to pour salt where it is most profoundly felt.

I am doing all the things I should be: eating extremely well, trying to get the most sleep/rest, light exercise, taking the prescribed meds, working hard on my mental health - and all of it is still failing. Still, I woke up this morning feeling like I got hit by a truck after just one full day of work.

It's hard to describe. My limbs are so swollen that the skin is pulled tight and the joints can barely move. My chest and face are congested constantly and the ringing in my ears is incredibly loud and constant. And there's more. Just....more.

By nature, I'm a doer. When I'm stressed, I like to run. I love to cross things off my to do list and feel the confidence that comes with completion. I want to adventure, to be OUT. To see and feel and experience. I want to share that with Sam.

Chronic illness is isolating. I have a beautiful system of support who shower me with heartfelt empathy, but everyone's journey is always their own. No one can know exactly what it is to have your own collective experience. So that's where the heart of the battle lies - within our own hearts and minds.

When physical things are insurmountable, a deep fear sets in. That longing to move and DO morphs into a worry that at some point there will be even more limitations than there are now. That life will become more restrictive. That I will never find something that offers reprieve. That I will miss out on even more than I do now. It's this fear that drives everything for me.

It keeps my life in perspective that every morning I am able to get out of bed and watch the squirrels in the backyard with my daughter, is a gift. It reminds me that while home remodeling projects would be lovely, they aren't what matters. It helps me to appreciate every moment I'm able to spend with a genuine smile on my face surrounding myself with the love of my dear ones.

All the rest is just noise.

Through meditation, thoughtful presence, and an awareness of self I didn't even know I possessed - I strive to maintain a peace within myself. I shut out the excess and focus on the circle of energy closest to me. My husband. My daughter. The hands that reach in to steady my gait.

I cannot control the world around me. I cannot even control the disease within me.

But I am solely responsible for my heart and mind. My mouth and hands are the expression of both so I can control what I say and do. I can change the course of my thought process to find the places where that energy is best spent and not wasted.

That limited control often feels so small and insignificant but it's really everything isn't it? Shouldn't we all spend our time and energy working to make the best of each day by first exercising that strength within?

Thanks for letting me share, friends. I needed the reminder that I am capable on a day where I feel so thoroughly hindered.

As always, the strength is in the sharing.