Muscle.

Contrary to popular belief, strength is not defined by muscles, stoicism or lack of emotion.

The embodiment of strength is the successful passage through trial.  To make it to the other side, no matter how disheveled, is to conquer and WIN.

On a regular basis I find myself disappointed in me because I've not lived up to my own fairy tale standard. My trials often make me angry, cause me to shed tears and occasionally take time outs.  Sometimes plans are canceled, friends and family are let down and I choose to create guilt that doesn't really belong.

Thankfully, I have a support team that lets me know that I am woefully wrong in doing so.  They remind me, when I cannot remind myself that I am strong, there will be good days ahead and I do not need to bear this burden alone.

This concept is so wonderfully transferable to every facet of life!

How often to we kick ourselves for the uncontrollable instead of moving forward?  We waste precious time grieving over what could have been when we could learn to enjoy each moment for what it is instead of those mystical ideals we've created internally.

Friends, life is LIFE.  It is living and breathing and ever changing.  Each moment has a thought of it's own and it is our decision to fight or accept.

And accepting?  That's not defeat.

It's wisdom.

Cheers! To learning new things and exercising muscles we didn't know we had.

Healthcare-beware!

Every lesson I've learned over the last three years is priceless. I've gained so much knowledge about myself and the world around me that often I'm grateful for the state I'm in because now I am so much more aware.

If there is one lesson I would like to share with you it is this:

Be in charge of your own healthcare. 

This may seem like an obvious statement to many, and if so, wonderful!  Otherwise?  Read on...

No surprise here but it turns out that the medical industry is geared towards, well...the medical industry.  Somebody has to pay for all that schooling and guess what?  It's you and me!!!  The official statistic I have made up is that this industry is a kazillion dollars strong and growing.

Growing!

Must be nice in this economy, ey?

Nope.  Not nice.  Nice is not an option.  Our options are limited by others because we give them the power to do so.  As a society we are often handing over the reins of our lives to someone in a while lab coat because we feel that, "surely, they know better than I do." But the truth is?  Not always.

My personal experience is over 3 years now and THOUSANDS of dollars towards tests with no result or diagnosis.  Each time I see a doctor I say, "I am in so much pain, can you tell me why?" and the answer?  "No, I can't and maybe we never will, but I can give you any pain medication you want."

Any.

Does this sound like health to you?

Me either.

I won't lay out all the risks associated with heavy medication but please, DO YOUR RESEARCH.


About everything.

• Go to the doctor with a list of symptoms, even a chart of days/times/etc if possible.  
• Write down all your questions BEFOREHAND because you will forget while sitting in front of the physician.  (or the waiting room for the hour and a half before, don't even get me started there...)  
• Where do you come up with these questions?  RESEARCH.  Don't get all crazy and hypochondriac on me, but google is your friend if you too can weed out the wackjobs.  
• Have a conversation with your doctor, and don't be afraid to say NO.  This is your body and you don't have to do everything someone says just because they went to college longer than you did.  
• Get a second or 5th opinion.  Find a doctor you trust.  Ask around and see who is trusted in your community.  

ASK QUESTIONS.


Please don't misunderstand me, I do not feel like doctors are the enemy or out to get us poor, unsuspecting souls.  But I do firmly believe that you need to be in charge of your health first and foremost and you alone need to make the decisions that can so grandly affect your life.

Take charge.

But please drive responsibly.  

Impression.

The first three months of this year have been trying at best.  They've been trying to best ME.  I've spent much of my time in bed, at the doctor's office and under a million microscopes and various other machines.  Needless to say, I'm SO ready to move on.

I find it difficult to divulge the daily details of my medical struggles for many reasons-some of which I try and overcome (my personal grief) and some which I think are healthy boundaries (not a sunshiney topic).

One of the greatest hurdles I've found personally turns out to be fairly common for people with similar ailments and this has become most comforting to me.  Only this year have I decided to accept the fact that I am in fact "sick" and seek out resources to assist me in coping with that acknowledgement.

A fantastic resource given to me by a dear friend holds a unique name that epitomizes a good portion of my struggles: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/

Yup, one of larger hurdles I am often jumping is the fact that I don't look as sick as I feel.  I have seen the disbelief in many an eye and heard it in the voices of loved ones when I am canceling plans yet again.  I can feel the judgement from those who don't know me well and assume that I've manufactured a reason for attention or pity.

Sometimes, this hurts more than my illness.

Other times, it's a compliment.  I believe confidently in acting the way I want to feel.  When someone makes a statement like "well, you don't look sick at all..." in many ways, they are complimenting my ability to move forward even when the pain is so bad I had trouble getting dressed in the morning.  They are inadvertently letting me know that I am a grand success!  I have fooled everyone!  Maybe, for that day, even myself.  In that moment, I have beaten my illness.

However, I am also lying.  I am playing a pretend game where everything is okay and I don't have to talk about how scary things are and how much it all hurts and how I wish so desperately that things were different.  This face is telling you one thing but if you asked my heart, the tale would change.

This constant dichotomy is the most taxing portion of my day.  And it is self-driven.  Those who love me most have accepted every pain and grumpy frown and stand by me nonetheless.  They would allow me, and do, to be myself in every moment.

But you see, I like to win.  I like to feel, just for a little while what it's like to not be sick.  I remember too vividly my former energy, my desire to do all things at once and the impermeable smile that graced my lips.  I still love that girl, I just need to learn to love this one too.

Taking a Step...

I moved my desk today.

It's completely impractical in the room...my back is to everything and I've thrown the Feng Shui out the door entirely.  I'll need to re-do the hangings in the room, probably come up with some curtains and possibly even a desk chair that doesn't have a broken wheel...

But this change is a new beginning.

When I look up from my computer now I'm gazing at the Puget Sound and my imagination is able to wander a bit further than before.

I've downloaded Scrivener in an effort to test the waters a bit...see if there's any merit to writing software at all.  Or if I'm fooling myself by thinking of any medium other than Word.

A sweet candle gift from a friend is lifting my senses and this physical move is sparking a far less tangible one.  This desk change is simple but invaluable to the process of constant growth.

Onwards and upwards, Friends.  Here we go.

Happy Doesn't Just Happen.

Somewhere along the line, "They" got it all wrong.

"They" got us to believe that love and marriage are all sunshine and roses and that happily ever after is a real thing.  But guess what?  It's not.  And saying so doesn't make me Debbie Downer either...

It's the truth.

Every bit of what you have, you've worked for in some way or another.

Not so long ago, a dear friend said to me that I was just so lucky!


And my response? I worked really hard for all that luck.

And friends, marriage is no different.

Marriage is a choice every single day, sometimes every minute, to be committed to someone other than ourselves.  Do you realize how unnatural that is?  I've committed myself to care-taking, accepting, loving and supporting a WHOLE OTHER PERSON.  I'm not even good at doing that for MYSELF!

Please don't misunderstand me here, this man I am married to is the greatest blessing of my life.  I'd be lost without him.  More than any other being, he understands, challenges and appreciates who I am as a person and that makes me the happiest girl on the planet.

But it's also something we work at.

Strong opinions, old habits and personal preferences make life long commitment a challenge on many levels-all of which are surmountable.  You just have to be willing to put in the elbow grease.

WORK FOR IT.

Too often I hear individuals griping about their partners, always worried about the personal benefits they should be receiving.  I can't say it enough: you get what you put into it.

Happy doesn't just happen, it is a concept carefully tendered.

Marriage is such a beautiful, beautiful union between two people.  It is beautiful because of the dedication required to make it successful.  It is beautiful because of the selflessness that is embodied within that union.  It is beautiful because two people have worked hard to make it LAST.

In this time when so many people are working hard to "redefine" what marriage means-I guess I couldn't agree more.  It truly needs a new definition.  No longer should marriage be listed as a fairy tale, but instead as the World's Most Fulfilling Place of Employment.

And everyone is welcome to apply.

Resolve.

Making resolutions has never been high on my priority list.  Everyday life for me is a series of carrots on a string-I'm constantly telling myself I can't do X until I do Y.  This method is very successful for me.

Due to this success, I have a hard time trying anything new.  Then I read this: The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  Now I have more goals floating around in my head than a single person could possibly accomplish....but we should set our goals high, right?

Right.

To begin with, I wanted a general statement to symbolize my goals.  Simple has always worked best for me and having an umbrella statement will assist me with developing my monthly goals as well.  After a lot of thought about change and the things I truly desire, I've finally arrived at this:

Work for it. 


What?  You aren't inspired?  You didn't zoom out of your chair in search of something Nike to don whilst completing every task that has hung over your head for the past six months?

Well...truthfully, me either.  But it did put things in perspective.

If I want to make goals and reach them I'm going to have to be ready to use a little elbow grease.  Hopes and dreams are beautiful things but nothing changes without some work.  And you know what?  I'm ready for it.

This year I want to clean out those pesky closets, I want to plan out meals better and I want to take the time to leave things better than when I arrived.  I also want to judge less, love more and change the lazy pattern of my thoughts.  All of these goals will require a significant amount of effort on my part and the beginning is a great place to start acknowledging that.

The greatest part is, I'm SO ready.  I look forward to working a little harder, getting out of my comfort zone and lessening my bad habits.  Because a year from now... I'm going to be PROUD.

Connection.

Despite the fact that I've been a reader since I was old enough to hold open a book, I sometimes forget the healing and connecting power of words.

Clearly to put them onto paper (or screen) is a divulgence of some sort.  Whether it's to ourselves, an anonymous audience or a dearest friend, we are venting the thoughts closest to our hearts.  With this release comes an otherwise unattainable clarity of sorts.  Suddenly our ideas must become linear, trackable and fall into some sort of "sense." What a powerful tool!

And yet this is not the quality that amazes me most.  It is the unifying power of the written word that keeps me coming back for more.  The magnetic pull a sentence can have on your heart.  A magical feeling that somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight, someone's thinking of you.....you get the idea.  ;)

It's great to get reminders every now and then to pull you back where you belong.  This weekend an old friend let me know that the connection she found here, in this blog, caused her to seek out our friendship once again.  And that my friend?  Warms my heart.

Too often in our modern day society it is easy to feel left alone in a crowd.  To hear that a casual thought (or even those more formal, tuxedoed ideas) thrown into cyberspace helped someone else feel truly connected to it's author is a comforting one, indeed.

So-as I've often promised, I'm going to connect more.  I'm going to tap more keys and publish more paragraphs because the slightest chance of sustaining a connection somewhere is worth it.  To offer some sort of validation or even a soap box for someone else's thoughts is a gift of the greatest kind-basic human connection.

Stay tuned friends, I'll be seeing you around.

ATTENTION FRIENDS AND FAMILY!!!!!

There is an epidemic rampant among us!!

My hope is to shed light on this quick moving disease and help protect those I love (and those I've never met) from becoming the next victim.

Things to Be On the Look Out for:
1.) Negative speech.
           ~Often called "complaining" or disguised as "venting" this grumpy speech often serves less as an outlet and more as a device to gather forces, spin into overdrive and quite frankly, make mountains out of mole hills.

2.) Eeyore Syndrome
            ~Many times mistaken for an "introvert" or the "quiet one,"  the behavior serves only to perpetuate negativity and down turned smiles.

3.) The Funny Guy
           ~ Everybody likes a good self deprecating joke now and then but carefully watch for a lack of balance.  While we should be able to laugh at ourselves we should also know our true worth.  The same goes for poking that fun is someone else's direction at all times.  Everyone should be able to laugh with their neighbor and love them at the same time.

4.) A Rut.
            ~Nothing ever changes.  Life always sucks.  Things never get better and they always get worse.  They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.  Guess what?  They're right.


Chances are good that you can see these situations not only around you but often in your own life and such is the purpose of this public address.  If you can identify it, YOU CAN CHANGE IT.

All those cheesy motivational speakers got it right about a few things-one of them being that you can quite literally SPEAK SOMETHING INTO EXISTENCE.

If you talk negatively about your life, job or even spouse...guess what you're going to see?  Negativity!

Try speaking positively about the things you experience day to day and just see what happens.  The chances are good that you are surrounded by more blessings than you know-and the best thing?  This cycle perpetuates itself.

Positive people bring positive results and you know what kind of people we all like to be around?  Yeah...even the naysayers and the down trodden secretly want to be around others that make them feel good inside and whom they are inspired by.

Which person would you like to be?

Choose.

Every day is a choice.

The only things that have power over me are those that I allow.

I can choose to ignore the negativity and instead be inspired by those around me.  I can look out a window and gain strength from the beauty that surrounds me.

I can let the breeze carry away my worries or be angry because it has mussed my hair.

When my strength has drained and my guard is down it is those moments where I must learn true diligence.  At my weakest moments and the peak of my exhaustion I risk letting in exactly what longs to bring me down.

I am stronger than that.

I will smile when I hurt, I will listen instead of interrupting and I will speak of my blessings when I long to complain of my many trials.

I am alive, blessed and loved.

REMEMBER.

Dichotomy.

On my back I have a tattoo of comedy and tragedy.  I got it the day after I turned 18 because there was no question about what I wanted.

Most believed it was because I've been a theatre kid in some aspect or another, for my entire life.  But this is not the case.

This symbol represents for me the dichotomy that is my every day life-and has been since I was a young child.  I suppose even the stage itself epitomizes some of that-for when socializing I often have on my mask.

It's not a mask of deceit but rather my coping mechanism come to life.  Fake it til ya make it, right?  I love to smile and laugh and put others at ease and this is often made difficult with the reality of life.

When I was younger my reality was an abusive home that was rarely safe for me.  Putting on that mask at school, sports events and with friends allowed me a sort of escape.  If I was smiling and laughing than surely nothing could be wrong!  To some it may seem insincere to not have shared my whole self but the reality is these moments were my salvation.  I learned, through trial and error that my worries are only what I make of them, and that indeed-this too shall pass.

To share the raw, difficult hands we are dealt is to put a damper on what is around us.  Others don't know what to say to make it better and so silence pervades the atmosphere-drenching the possibilities of joy from the moment.  Who wants to be the harbinger of such clouds?

At 30 years old I'm now learning to reconcile these two pieces of myself-this proverbial ying and yang.  While there is so much sadness carried around in this heart of mine I have also been blessed with the gift of eternal hope.  The many gravities I've witnessed have served to humble me and yet also to make me rejoice much more.  I can appreciate each side of the coin.

Still, I find myself shying away from sharing that darker side.  While I know my loved ones are here to share the burden it still remains so heavy on my heart.  I see the pain in their own eyes while they search for solutions or comforting words and it breaks my heart all over again.

But I do not wish to wear the mask.  Somehow I want to be true to where I'm at-whether that's in love or in pain and be able to share both without fear.  My desire is to learn how to bare my weaknesses and extoll my strengths in the same breath.  Both of these have made me whole so why must it be so difficult?

So far, I've missed the mark.  I've allowed this pain to hide away my personality, my ambitions and the gifts I have to share.  Like that little girl in grade school and beyond, I'm in full costume at all but my weakest moments rather than sharing my troubles with strength in voice.

My deepest gratitude to those who look deeper than my smile to see the girl within.  Thanks for sticking around when it seems impossible and for listening when all I know to do is cry.

Stay tuned, Loved Ones.  The best is yet to come.