I'm terrified, friends. To put these words out into the universe - because it makes things much more real.
Over the past year and some change, I've been able to keep much of my as-of-yet-still-largely-unnamed auto-immune disorder under containment. My pain has been minimal and my life seemed to go back to a kind of normal that I hadn't experienced in almost 8 years now. I was pretty stoked about that.
Getting pregnant with Sam seemed to begin the start of a new chapter - one where my body did the things that were asked of it with a cheery smile. My pregnancy wasn't entirely comfortable, but it was devoid of my "normal" pain and even migraine-free. Not too shabby.
Now, seven months postpartum and when my body is still changing to find the new status quo - my pain has returned. For about a month now. And it's so angry.
I'm so frightened by this. For so many reasons. Will it be contained again? Where should I start with treatment, doctors, and regimen? Could it get worse than before? How do I be Mama? Maybe it will go away quickly...
So I'm trying the things I know that help. I'm keeping my mental health at the forefront and working to keep my spirits high. The depression that came with the onset of pain last time is just not an option. Being a stay at home mama means that I don't get days off to sulk in bed and that this sweet little creature is relying on me to show her what life is about. And I want her to know that it's mostly about smiles.
Perspective always helps this journey. I know I'm alive. I know that others have it worse. I know that if I'm still up and mobile for the most part - I'm doing pretty well. So there's that.
But when it hurts to sit on furniture or to hold my coffee cup or to walk to the bathroom - I'm scared. I just don't want to go down this road. Not again.
I realize it was a bit foolish to think that I had "beat" an auto-immune disease. They don't leave. They come back, in my case triggered by insomnia and hormone imbalances that send my neurological system into chaos. Creating pain synapses where they don't belong, causing mental confusion, and peripheral neuropathy that makes moving hard.
So here I am, reminded that this is just how it is and that I need to figure out how to handle it.
We all have something. This is just mine. And it's true, you never really know (even if you think you do....) what battles someone is fighting internally.