Wednesday, January 03, 2018

Ugly Resolution.

I’m looking back over the past few years and how I’ve handled New Years.  Resolutions have never really been my bag but I love to set themes for the year and spend some time reflecting as well - an effort to gather the lessons I should have learned and reduce the need to repeat them again moving forward. (This is rarely successful, but hey - I try.)

This year I just don’t have it in me. I don’t really want to write this down either. I’m tired of hearing myself say that I’m having a hard time. I’m tired of having a hard time. I’m not depressed (which is a huge blessing/accomplishment) but I AM in the trenches.

It feels like ALL of the strategies to cope with difficult situations are about positivity. About keeping your eye on the prize and not allowing the dark side to take over. But frankly? I find that pretty obnoxious at the moment. There is nothing sunshiney about having trouble picking up my daughter or canceling plans because it’s hard for me to move. It is maddening. Super frustrating. I hate limitations and this last six months has been so full of them it’s suffocating.

I don’t want to gloss over that to make others feel comfortable or to minimize the situation - I want to be real about it.

There aren’t fancy motivational quotes or pretty memes that make me feel better right now.  Those things make me feel like I’m somehow failing because I can’t bring myself to make this situation more beautiful and palatable.

Maybe sometimes it’s okay to just say something is hard. To not try and out on the smiley face but also not to give up - just to put your head down and GET THROUGH IT. Just make it to the other side. Put in the work that is necessary to keep moving forward - this can take all of your energy. There isn’t extra left over to sugar coat it for the rest of the world or cater to the needs of others. You just gotta get through.

And that just has to be enough.

So there isn’t some fancy word yet to align my purpose for the following 12 months. There’s just GO.   And I want to make this space in time with acknowledgement that it exists. Right now my marriage is strong and is the source of constant strength and joy. I feel strong as a mother and so grateful for my time with Sam that I still get excited to see her each morning. Things are so GOOD. Everything but my health is phenomenal and this helps my mental state to keep from slipping to someplace darker.

I know I’ll get to a much better place, it’s my job to keep my head down and just keep on trucking.

I’m putting in the work.

And frankly, it’s not that pretty.