Transitions.

I sat outside just now.

In fact, I'm still sitting there, on the edge of my back porch - feet dangled off the side while one puppy lays at my feet and two more play in the yard.

My massage therapist suggested this.  She suggested that perhaps, in the middle of such a large life change away from the constant thrum of working and deadlines - that I might need to learn to appreciate the silence.  That becoming friends with quiet might be my saving grace.

And she really nailed it.

Generally, I reserve this kind of peacefulness for vacation.  Reading books by the pool in Mexico (best Christmas vacation EVER!) or silently awaiting fish bites on the dock of the lake in Idaho.  But in my daily life? No kind of quiet has ever really existed.

My mind is always running.  (Thanks anxiety!) I'm always considering possibilities or planning for potential disaster or rethinking what I just said 50 times to make sure I did it correctly - or to lament that I did it wrong.

Besides that - there's so much external stimulation. Constant contact. Cell phones, text messages, emails, social media, talk radio, even music and television in the background. There is EVERYTHING.

And I feel a bit like I drown in that.

It's comforting somewhat because it is all a reminder there are OTHERS and that I am not alone.  But likewise, it also makes it much harder to hear ME.

I've always been a sensitive soul.  I'm a feeler.  It's how I process.  I'm VERY aware of others, fairly intuitive, and constantly connected to those around me.  This is one of my greatest traits and also can be my largest downfall.  I care A LOT.  About most everything.

This new chapter in my life - to be a stay at home momma (SIDEBAR: I hate the term SAHM. Have you met me? I won't be just staying at home.  And if I say "full time momma" it offends all the momma's who are no less momma than I will be but also work outside the home.  I'm still searching for a term I like here that is offensive to no one and more complimentary to how I feel about this chapter of life.) is one that terrifies me.  There is so much change.  I am used to being driven by outside goals - meeting deadlines, helping in the community, running successful programs, and being proud of sharing those results.

But now?  It's me.  I work for my family.  These goals are much more internal.

And I need the time and space to think about what that means. I need the quiet so I can hear.  I need to lower my sky high expectations of myself and stop comparing my 100% to everyone else's best 5% on social media. (Love that clarification regarding only sharing our highlights with the world while the truth gets locked away.)

So, here I go.  Seeking the things I want most and learning how to find them in the every day.  Best wishes on your travels too.

What I want:

• to spend time outside soaking in nature with no distractions 
• to meditate
• to dedicate time to the health of my body (yoga, running, swimming, etc.) 
• to connect completely with my loved ones 
• to write 
• to read 
• to be present in as many moments as possible (I know it won't be all of them)
• to process my feelings and thoughts as they come about 
• to create beautiful spaces in our new home  
• to learn how to sleep 
• to be friends with the quiet 
• drive places without the radio on 
• delay turning on the music at home
• to turn off my phone for entire days and live without the need for that distraction 
• to detox a bit from social media 
• to get creative 
• to keep my hands busy 
• to bake 
• to take walks with our dogs 
• to still the voice that tells me I'm not good enough and listen to the one that tells me I've done well 
• to think before I speak 
• to not take on the energy of everyone else's situations
• to lose the bitter streak that lives in my heart and to speak and act with love first 
• to get comfortable with crying
• to find forgiveness for those who don't deserve it so that I can find peace 
• to let myself remain a dreamer without worrying about the judgement of others 
• to get better at sharing
• to feel all the feels - and be okay with them 
• to set small goals and accomplish them 
• to bullet journal my time to be accountable 
• to always strive
• to let go of every expectation and know that life is great anyway